How You May Be Loosing Friends And Loved Ones With Toxic Positivity
Optimism is imperative to creating the life that we all desire. Our positive thoughts create the same positive emotions, which then help us attract the right opportunities, people, objects, and outcomes. So training our brain to be positive is important and I would say even necessary. However, life is all about balance. And that means that even negative emotions have a place in our life and are often showing us something that we didn’t recognize or weren’t capable of seeing before. So let’s get into why toxic positivity can be a very negative thing and should be avoided.
Toxic positivity harms people that are going through difficult times. When people are dealing with a tough situation in their life, they want sympathy and a shoulder to lean on. They want to feel like they aren’t alone and that someone understands them. Toxic positive people would say something like “everything happens for a reason” or “just stay positive.” And while those are well-meaning comments, what they do is signal to the other person that what they have to say is unimportant and that they should just keep it to themselves. Besides that, toxic positivity is also shameful and avoids authentic human emotions. And finally, being overly positive prevents authentic human connection from being formed.
In this article, I will talk about what positive toxicity is and go into why it is harmful. Human emotions are colorful and just like there are light colors, there are dark shades too. So denying the darker shades is denying a part of who you are. And as you probably know, the challenge lies in full self-acceptance, even if there are aspects of yourself that you would rather not accept. Self-acceptance leads to a positive relationship with yourself and in turn, a more authentic and happy life.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic Positivity is when you believe that, no matter the challenge or the situation in your life, you have got to maintain a positive attitude. It’s a mindset that rejects negativity in any form and chooses to maintain a “good vibes” only attitude. And like I already mentioned, there is nothing wrong with positivity — but, toxic positivity denies and often suppresses negative emotions in all forms and maintains an often-false facade of positivity.
Some signs of toxic positivity include —
Hiding your true feeling about a person or a situation
Denying your feelings
Pretending that your real problems don’t exist
Shaming others for going through difficult times or dismissing their feelings
Feeling guilty for feeling an emotion that’s not positive
Trying to avoid painful emotions
It Encourages Isolation and Prevents Others from Being Themselves
I have lived for a long time and I have yet to meet a person that hasn’t gone through a challenging time. And pretending like the challenging time isn’t happening is like hiding your head in the sand while a tiger is chasing you in hopes of not being seen. Toxic positivity encourages denial of a difficult situation and in turn, creates isolation because other people cannot relate. In denying our truth, we begin to live inauthentically with others and the world around us. When we lose the connection to ourselves, we begin to feel alone. And when we haven’t connected to ourselves, then we cannot connect to others. It is then that the feelings of isolation and depression follow.
Toxic positivity also prevents others from being themselves with the positively toxic individual. We can only be completely ourselves with someone, if we can be honest with all of our feelings. Toxic positivity denies and ignores the fact that human beings come with a range of emotions. Good and the ugly. It pretends that the negative emotions don’t exist and in turn, makes it impossible to relate on every level. Toxic individuals force the other person to be a certain kind of person around them instead of being completely themselves. By creating a fake persona, we attract more falsehood into our lives, leading to an isolating and inauthentic life.
It’s Shameful, it Avoids Authentic Human Emotion, and Harms Other People Dealing with Pain.
According to thepsychologygroup.com, Author and researcher Brené Brown teaches in several of her books, presentations, and interviews that the energy source of shame is silence, secrecy, and judgment. In other words, where there is hiding, secrets, and denial, shame is usually in the driver’s seat. When someone is suffering or going through a difficult situation, they usually seek their friends or family for comfort. Our friends and family are supposed to be the sources of validation and love. Someone we can come to and share the burden of this sometimes difficult world. But what happens if we come to them in hopes of sharing and in turn, get told to “stay positive” or to “stop spreading negativity.” Well, this approach basically tells us that our feelings don’t matter, and in turn that we don’t matter. And what we have to say is not important. So it’s like a stab to the heart when we’re in pain. This not only creates more pain but shames us, making us feel ashamed for experiencing negative feelings.
Toxic positivity also functions as an avoidance mechanism. And people that are positively toxic are often emotionally unavailable and this simply means that they get uncomfortable in highly emotional situations and have an overwhelming need to suppress those emotions or to run as fast as they can. People that grow up with overly needy or overly protective parents tend to develop these mechanisms. So they become the perfect candidates for toxic positivity. If we don’t know how to accept the difficult emotions in ourselves, then we certainly won’t be able to accept them in other people. Emotionally unavailable people fear unpleasant emotions and this overwhelming fear that hasn’t been addressed causes them to deflect, deny, and suppress any unpleasant emotions that you or they are feeling. And usually it isn’t even about you, but rather it’s about the individual.
It Prevents Authentic Connection
Human beings often connect by sharing. Sharing stories, sharing foods, and sharing emotions. Many of us go through a lot of pain in our lives, so to be able to share some of that burden with someone and to get a small dose of empathy and understanding can mean the world. At the end of the day, we all want to feel like we aren’t completely alone in our struggles and that someone understands us. This knowledge makes it possible to get through challenging times. However, toxic positivity takes that connection away because one side has an insatiable need to discuss the emotion that’s weighing heavily on them and the positively toxic individual is “only” about keeping it positive. And so the connection cannot happen as we need to be on the same level to connect. To emphasize, we need to step into someone else's shoes and at least try to understand what the other person is going through.
In Conclusion
And while maintaining a positive life view is important, toxic positivity takes that idea to the extreme. And anything extreme is bound to crash sooner or later. That is the simple law of balance in life. Toxic positivity is the idea that no matter what the situation in life is, maintaining a positive attitude is always the way to go. It takes negative emotions and denies that they exist. So what makes toxic positivity so harmful is that it encourages isolation and prevents others from being themselves. It’s also harmful to individuals that are dealing with pain, it’s shameful, and it avoids and denies authentic human emotions. And last, by denying that negative feelings are a part of human nature, it prevents authentic connection with other people, because human beings often connect by emphasizing with one another and by trying to see another’s perspective.
What Can You Do to Avoid Falling Into the Toxic Positivity Trap?
Notice how you are feeling. Pay attention to the information that you expose yourself to on social media. If, after viewing a post or a page that seemed positive, you feel guilty or shamed, then you should probably try to avoid such content in the future or, better yet, entirely limit your social media exposure.
Focus on listening to others and showing support. When people come to you and express their distress or share their difficult situation, then don’t automatically shut them down. Focus on listening and telling them that what they are feeling is normal and that you are there to support them.
Learn to accept and sit with your negative feelings instead of denying or hiding from them. Too many of us haven’t learned how to handle difficult emotions because we were never taught how. So we either deny that they exist or bury them in work, drugs, or other means of escape. Our feelings can teach us valuable lessons if we pay attention. And by learning to sit in silence and paying close attention, we can take the necessary steps to healing, progress and growth.
Learn to accept yourself fully. Always remember that it is completely natural for people to experience good and bad emotions. We are not our thoughts and emotions, we are merely the observers behind those thoughts and emotions. So learning to detach and observe instead of being critical and judgmental can help you become kinder to yourself and, in turn, to others. Nobody is perfect and if you’ve got a lot to work on, then nothing is stopping you from doing the work. It’s all in your hands. Awareness is the key.