How to Overcome Social Anxiety and Become a Pro at Small Talk
All of us have felt extremely nervous in certain situations. Like when we went on a date for the first time or when we had to create a decent presentation and then present in front of a large crowd. And in those instances, feeling nervous was completely normal and expected. But what happens when your fears completely consume you and prevent you from having a social life, which is one of the basic needs that a human being has to meet to feel well-rounded and fulfilled. Social anxiety isn’t fun, so let’s talk about it and learn how you or someone you know can overcome it.
An individual can work on overcoming social anxiety by utilizing cognitive restructuring. That’s when one becomes aware of their own defeating thoughts. By learning to observe them and later redirecting them from harmful black-and-white thinking and towards more compassionate and non-judgmental thoughts.
In this article, I will talk about various effective ways of overcoming social anxiety and making the best of your social life by learning to make small chit-chat. From building a better relationship with yourself to learning to push yourself outside your comfort zone through preparation and by taking baby steps towards social interaction. And last I will talk about mindfulness and how it can help you minimize social phobia.
What is Social Anxiety Anyways?
To someone who experiences social anxiety disorder everyday interactions can cause fear, self-consciousness, and anxiety. This usually happens because one fears being judged or scrutinized by other people. In socially anxious individuals fear and avoidance can disrupt daily life and negatively affects relationships, work, and anything else the individual is involved in.
Using Cognitive Restructuring to Beat Defeating Thoughts
Cognitive restructuring is basically adjusting your attitude and changing how you view yourself or the situation. Cognitive restructuring can help make your thinking more compassionate, understanding, and realistic. Let me give you a couple of examples of what cognitive restructuring might look like -
“I know from experience that I can be a fun and engaging conversationalist when I really want to.”
“Most people are a bit uncomfortable in new social situations, so I am not alone. Many are focused on how they are coming across anyway, instead of noticing and then getting fixated on my anxiety. Even if they notice that I am anxious then they probably won’t care too much, or might even be able to relate. And if they judge and get uncomfortable, then that is their own problem to work on.”
“I engage in a fair amount of small talk with people that I am comfortable with and have gotten to know. This just means that I need a little more time than other people to get comfortable in new and unfamiliar situations.”
“While as an introvert, I prefer smaller groups, rather than large ones, I know that it is very beneficial for me to connect to larger groups occasionally to make friends and advance my career.”
This approach creates a more realistic picture while removing any self-defeating and distorted thoughts about yourself.
Learning How to Have a Good Relationship with Yourself
When you learn how to develop a good relationship with yourself, then you wouldn’t really care how you come across to others. So your fear of being judged by others when you talk to them will disappear. I’ll give you a good example of this. I went to a large gathering once in San Francisco, and I saw a few girls and I decided to talk to them. I smiled and slowly made my way towards them. When I tried starting a conversation they responded negatively. That surprised me a bit, as I am a pretty friendly person and when I tried talking to people in the past, I usually ended up either making friends or having a good conversation. But in this case, the girls gave me a dirty look and turned their shoulders and bodies away from me while acting like I was a lunatic for attempting to make some new friends. In this case, I simply walked away and moved on to better and greener pastures. If I didn’t have a good relationship with myself, then I could have taken this rejection personally and could have judged myself harshly. Instead, I knew that it wasn’t personal, as most things aren’t personal. When other people aren’t kind, when you are kind, it’s a good indication that it isn’t you that has an issue to work on, but rather the other person. This understanding can help you be more compassionate with yourself when and if something similar happens.
Social anxiety stems from defeating beliefs and self-confidence issues. And you can help build a better relationship with yourself by slowly building your confidence. This can be done through various means such as:
Trying new things
Helping other people
Volunteering
Being kind to other people
Learning new skills
Printing positive affirmation cards. Hanging these on your mirror and repeating the positive message over and over can reprogram your mind and help you have a more loving relationship with yourself.
Eating healthy (check out What Impact Does Nutrition Have on Mental Health?)
Working out and physically challenging yourself. Weight lifting is great for that confidence!
Traveling solo
Eating out or doing what you love to do with yourself
Keeping your words and promises to other people
Setting goals and meeting them
Consistency and dedication
Honesty and being loyal and faithful in relationships
Practicing all of the above will guarantee to build your self-confidence and turn you into your own best friend.
Using Preparation and Baby Steps
Sometimes to get attention off ourselves, we subconsciously use non-verbal, avoidant covert behaviors that only reinforce our negative beliefs about ourselves and keep us stuck in a vicious cycle of social anxiety. These behaviors are things like avoiding eye contact, speaking in a very low voice, hiding behind objects, crossing your arms and turning your body away from someone you’re speaking to, and lack of smile or any facial expression. According to Albert Mehrabian, a researcher of body language, he found that communication is 55% non-verbal. Which means that learning and understanding body language is imperative and especially if you’re using body language in a negative way and unintentionally putting people off.
So to ease your anxiety, and become better at small talk, take small steps towards improving your body language when you are around other people. Next time you’re around someone, bring awareness to your hands and shoulders. Are you facing the person directly? How about your hands? Are they grasping objects and are you hiding them in your pockets? Or are they used to help you communicate your thoughts?
Get outside your comfort zone and start practicing looking people in the eyes while you are speaking to them. Even if it is only for a short time at first. Over time, add a bit more time. Just make sure not to stare without looking away, as that can make a lot of people uncomfortable. It’s all about balance. Practice smiling too. Smiling might even ease your anxiety a bit, as when we smile, our body releases endorphins and that signals to our body that everything is great, there is no danger. Smiling not only relaxes us, but relaxes the other person, too. People love being around smiling people.
Another tip to ease your social anxiety is taking group classes where the focus is on speaking to others. You’ll be amazed at how many people are in the same position and being around like-minded individuals with the same fear can lessen or eliminate your own fear. Try to scan the room and talk to someone that you’re drawn to. Human beings are intuitive and can usually feel someone out even before speaking to them. And if you’re drawn to a person that you feel is open and friendly, then they probably are. So trust your intuition and make eye contact with them, smile, and go greet them.
Try Mindfulness
Mindfulness can be great in easing your social anxiety, as the whole point is to focus on the other person and the present moment. Our anxiety usually arises when we are thinking too much and when we are focused on “what if” scenarios. Mindfulness allows you to completely engage in the moment and focus your full attention on the other person. And other people love talking, so making the conversation about them and listening attentively instead of making the conversation all about you will not only ease your anxiety but make you a very attractive and likable individual. When you are completely mindful and immersed, your negative feelings and thoughts will become like unimportant background noise.
To Conclude
Social Anxiety is brutal. It can leave us alone and can wreak havoc on our lives. Luckily, with practice, effort, and time, we can overcome social anxiety. We can use cognitive restructuring to become more compassionate and realistic when our thoughts get out of control. Cognitive restructuring allows you to take negative thoughts and replace them with positive or more realistic thoughts. This changes your outlook and lessens your anxiety. Another important aspect to consider is how we treat ourselves and what kind of relationship we have with ourselves. Working on having a great relationship with yourself will eliminate fears of being alone and being judged by others, as when we are in a good relationship with ourselves, we stop paying too much attention to what others think of us.
Another thing to consider is using positive body language while speaking to others to make sure that you come across as non-threatening, open, and friendly. Taking baby steps towards your goals is also important and will slowly make you more confident and more socially outgoing. And last, mindfulness is another excellent tool that you can use to focus on the present moment and fully engage in a conversation with another person, rather than letting the background noise scare you and make you anxious.