Choosing Forgiveness for a Healthier, Happier Life
There is something that silently wreaks havoc on countless lives, causing an increased risk of heart attacks, anxiety, depression, and feelings of hopelessness. It’s a root cause of shattered families, rising mortality rates, and spiritual and emotional turmoil.
That "something" is unforgiveness.
Unforgiveness isn’t just a concept I’ve read about—it’s something I witness daily. As a therapist, I see the fallout in people's lives, and sometimes, I even grapple with the "how" of forgiveness myself. While we, as Christians, are deeply rooted in the fact that God forgives us through Jesus, the challenge comes when God commands us to forgive others.
Let’s dive into what the Bible says about forgiveness.
The Biblical Mandate for Forgiveness
God's instruction to forgive is clear and profound. Here are just a few powerful verses to reflect on:
Mark 11:25: But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins too.
Colossians 3:13: Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
Matthew 18:21-22: Then Peter came to Him and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?" “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!”
These passages highlight how essential forgiveness is in our walk with God. Yet, for many of us, forgiving others is more difficult than accepting God's forgiveness for ourselves.
The Psychology of Forgiveness
Surprisingly, studies show that while nearly 60% of people in a survey had forgiven themselves for past mistakes, and about 75% believed they’d been forgiven by God, only 52% had forgiven others, and a mere 43% had sought forgiveness for their own wrongs.
This disparity is striking. It seems we believe that divine forgiveness is a given, but we often struggle with the idea that we must extend that same forgiveness to others.
The Damage of Unforgiveness
Unforgiveness is like a slow poison. The Bible warns us in Hebrews 12:14-15: Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.
Karen Swartz, M.D., from Johns Hopkins, explains the profound physical impact of holding onto anger: it keeps the body in a state of chronic stress, which affects heart rate, blood pressure, and even the immune system. This can lead to depression, heart disease, diabetes, and more. On the flip side, forgiveness alleviates stress and promotes better health.
Joseph’s Story: A Lesson in Forgiveness
The life of Joseph is a profound example of forgiveness. Imagine being betrayed by your own brothers, sold into slavery, wrongly accused of assault, and imprisoned. By the age of 30, Joseph had endured more heartache than most do in a lifetime.
In all these trials, Joseph had every right to harbor bitterness toward his brothers, Potiphar's wife, and even the cupbearer who forgot about him in prison. He could have easily embraced a victim mentality, filled with anger, hopelessness, and anxiety.
But here’s the key: Joseph didn’t wait until his brothers came asking for forgiveness—he had already forgiven them long before.
His actions reflect a heart that had released resentment long before the reunion with his brothers. This is evident when Joseph later tells them in Genesis 50:21, “Don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children." He didn’t just offer them help because they came to him—he had already chosen to extend grace.
Joseph's forgiveness wasn’t dependent on the other person’s apology. It was a decision he made, which freed him from bitterness and allowed him to move forward in God's plan for his life. When his brothers finally approached him after their father’s death, afraid he might take revenge, they found a man who had long since let go of the hurt.
Joseph’s story shows that forgiveness frees us from the emotional and spiritual torture of resentment, which Jesus warns about in Matthew 18:34-35: "My heavenly Father will also do the same to you if each of you does not forgive your brother from your heart."
Dr. Enright’s Stages of Forgiveness
Dr. Enright, a leading psychologist in the field of forgiveness, outlines four stages to guide us in the process:
Uncovering Phase: This is where we grieve, feel anger, and confront our pain. It’s a time for honest reflection.
Decision Phase: Here, we ask ourselves whether we want to forgive. We acknowledge that forgiveness is not about excusing the wrong but choosing to let go of resentment.
Work Phase: This is the hardest part. We must see beyond the person's wrongdoing and recognize their shared humanity. They are not defined solely by their hurtful actions.
Outcome Phase: In this final stage, we may experience compassion and even a sense of peace. We may offer the other person a gift—kindness, a smile, or even a word of encouragement.
Joseph’s journey mirrors this process. He didn’t excuse his brothers’ actions, but he chose to rise above the pain and offered them grace. He demonstrated the ultimate form of forgiveness by showing love and compassion long before they asked for it.
The Spiritual Perspective
Forgiveness isn’t just about the other person. It’s about freeing ourselves from the prison of bitterness. The Bible tells us that every person, no matter how flawed, is made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). When we adopt this mindset, our hearts soften, and we can extend compassion, even to those who have hurt us.
Conclusion
Is unforgiveness holding you back from the life God has planned for you? Is it contributing to your anxiety, depression, or feelings of hopelessness?
It's easy to see God’s plan for Joseph’s life now that we have the benefit of hindsight. But in the midst of your own pain, it may be hard to see what God is doing. Remember that God desires to be close to you, even in the toughest seasons, and He has good plans for you.
Do your part—choose to forgive.
