How Not to Fall Into the Role Expectation Trap
Gender roles involve the behaviors and responsibilities that men and women learn and adopt from their communities and cultural norms. Any deviation from prescribed norms and expectations is usually met with subjection to ridicule or mockery by community members. Due to the rise of egalitarian policies that portray females and males more or less as equals and with equal potential, the idea of gender roles has been altered and transformed. In developed nations, gender roles have been obscured by equality of the sexes. But despite these changes, gender roles still have a hold on our culture. Being social constructs, they tend to suppress one gender in favor of the other.
Women in the past have pretty much maintained roles that supported nurturing of the children and maintaining a home, while for males providing for the women and children as well as offering protection to the community was what was typical and expected. Before the egalitarian era, in the mid twentieth century, the mentioned gender norms were pretty much the standard all over the world.
In today’s world our roles have changed yet expectations still remain and continue to hurt relationships.
So let’s discover what we can do to prevent ourselves and our partners from falling into this nasty trap.
First, it might be a good idea to stop expecting your partner to be like your parents. It’s completely and utterly unfair to your partner as they can never live up to that idea that you have of them. They are their own person and should be treated as such. Next is the idea of focusing on communication and dividing and conquering together. The two of you shouldn’t be like enemies living together, trying to compete and outnumber one another.
You two should be on the same team, and should try to do everything in your power to compromise and work as a unit.
In this article I am going to give you plenty of great tips on how not to fall into the role expectation trap. Besides what I already mentioned at the top, we will also talk about the importance of easing harsh expectations off of yourself. Expectations are terrible and are usually a sign of control issues. Either trying hard to control the outcome in a situation or another person. Eventually leaving us stressed, moody, anxious, resentful, and alone.
Don’t Expect Your Partner to Be Like Your Parents
Problems are bound to happen when you expect traditions from your family and the way that they did things to be recreated by your partner. For example, if your mother was the nurturing kind and took care of the household by always cleaning everything without protest. Then you probably learned that that’s what women do and expect to see your partner doing the same. Or perhaps you had a father that worked and provided for your family. Then you would naturally expect the same from your partner. Assuming that the role of a male is to provide for the entire family.
We often end up marrying our parents, as the old saying goes, and that’s why our partner will probably have a lot of similar traits and characteristics that remind us of our parents. However, assuming that they are just like them and expecting the same from them is a huge mistake. A mistake that can cause resentment, a lot of disagreements and conflicts, and even the end of our relationship. Refrain from projection and holding your partner to impossible standards and try to learn to view them as a unique individual with their old preferences, likes, dislikes, and character. For example, your wife might be nurturing and caring just like your mother, but she might not enjoy cooking or cleaning that much and that’s okay. Or your husband might be a lot better with the kids than you are and that’s something that you need to accept instead of trying to force him into your own fantasy of him being something that he’s not or shame him for his innate nature.
Nothing is like what it seems in this world. You have no idea how many times I have discovered that behind the curtain your typical male is a lot more feminine by society’s standard and your average woman is a lot more masculine. Yet, because of societal norms they are almost forced into being someone they are not, and if they do decide to act like themselves, which is a bit more feminine or a bit more masculine, then they are shamed for it. It’s a terrible way to live and a recipe for mental disorder. I also understand and am very aware of our biological differences and our hormonal profiles that tend to influence our behavior but I still believe that despite these, we are unique and it’s unfair to force a single sex into a one-size-fit-all box.
Communicate and Actually Listen
The key to solving most problems and misunderstandings is communication. Unfortunately, that’s often easier said than done as a lot of us haven’t learned effective communication and are afraid of conflict or have learned that our needs will not be answered and met even if we make our needs heard. This is wrong again and stems from childhood. So just because your parents didn’t listen doesn’t mean that your partner won’t.
A lot of expectations are silent and the partner simply expects you to do something a certain way. Even without your knowledge. And that’s terrible as the way that we do things might be completely misaligned with our partner’s vision. I’ll give you a great example of that. My last partner came from Russia and he naturally possessed very traditional gender norms and expectations. At the beginning of our relationship I understood that it could cause issues down the road, so I made it clear to him that I wasn’t the type of woman that enjoyed cooking very much or cleaning for that matter, and that I preferred to think and be involved in various projects instead. I also enjoy weight lifting and competitive running and he was aware of that as we met in the gym. My preference was outside the home for the most part, even if I was nurturing and compassionate. I told him all of that and he said that he was okay with that. Despite me communicating my preferences and my likes/dislikes to him, he clearly didn’t listen as later, we had a lot of issues and arguments over his expectations and him trying to change me. So I would say that you shouldn’t simply communicate your needs and expectations, but also need to learn to listen to your partner. Often, we communicate or try to, but it all falls on deaf ears. Our partner disregards reality and still goes on to try to make us fit into his illusion. Doing that makes the other person angry, makes them feel unseen and unheard, and makes them believe that they aren’t good enough. Eventually, I realized that he was looking for something completely different, so I broke it off. If he communicated honestly at the beginning of the relationship, then I could have decided then and there if that relationship was worth continuing. And if he actively listened to me and accepted the reality of what I told him, then perhaps he would have realized that I wasn’t the one for him after all. After clear communication and active listening, the only two options that are left are to compromise or leave the relationship.
Divide and Conquer As a Team
Communicate and then divide and conquer with your partner as a unit. If she doesn’t like cleaning and would rather be doing something else, then take note. Perhaps you can clean and let her do the shopping. Or maybe you guys just had a baby so you work instead of trying to make her go back to work too. Downsize and make compromises if you guys need to. Anything can be accomplished when you try to understand one another and play on the same team. Or if he just lost his job but can still make a lot of other family contributions, then play on those strengths instead of shaming him or making him feel as less of a man.
Or maybe outsourcing is what both of you guys are looking for. Maybe you both work and she’s becoming angry that you expect her to cook and clean after she gets home from work. Talk about unfairness. Realize that she’s working too, and is probably just as tired as you are so think about outsourcing the cooking and cleaning. After all, you guys both work so you can probably combine the finances and make that happen. All it takes is honest communication and active listening. Not trying to make a banana into an apple. Accept the situation for what it is and solve the obvious problem.
Ease on Placing Impossible Expectations on Yourself
And finally, we often end up placing ourselves and holding ourselves to impossible standards. A great example of this is women now are gaining independence and possibly even making a lot more money than males, causing some males to feel resentful, unmanly and uncertain about their role in society. If a woman is making you feel insecure and unmanly just by being herself, then the issue isn’t with any given woman; the issue is yours. Guys, you aren’t simply wallets to be used just like females aren’t personal maids. As human beings we’re so much more than that, and no matter how much we bicker over minor issues, at the end of the day, we compliment and need one another. Making each other laugh, helping one another, keeping each other company, and emotionally supporting one another, means the world.
Labels Are Limiting
Labels hurt and are limiting. Expecting yourself to be a “breadwinner” or “miss do-it-all” is going to leave you exhausted, emotionally burnt out, and resentful.
Just because society places you into a certain category doesn’t mean that that’s what you are or the way that you should be. Especially if that role doesn’t fit in with who you actually are. Be yourself, communicate, and make compromises if you need to. If you still end up trying to change one another or if someone will not give up in trying to change you, then it’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
Thinking that someone has to do something without even being aware of it is unfair. For instance, expecting a certain gift on your anniversary. More often than not, if we have high expectations of ourselves, then we will also have high expectations of other people. It’s okay to ask for help and leave room for imperfections. Realize that we’re all human, not robots, and are just trying to do our personal best. And instead of controlling what the other person does or should be doing, communicate your needs and help each other out.
Also remember that most of us go through stages in life and some of those stages might not appear so pleasant. Like losing your job and struggling financially while having to ask for help or depend on someone else. That’s okay and you shouldn’t feel bad about that. Especially if you’re taking the necessary steps to get out of something difficult. I’ve been through tough times in my life and because of the expectations that I placed on myself I struggled even more. So perhaps instead of beating yourself up, try being kind to yourself and ease on the expectations that you are currently not living up to, or perhaps never will. Sometimes the situation is really out of our control and accepting that will make the entire process easier to deal with.
Final Thoughts
Believing and buying into society’s gender roles and norms is too easy. It’s labelling and therefore limiting yourself and other individuals. Try opening your mind and getting to know your partner for what they truly are, underneath all the unfair and often wrong labels that have already been prescribed by culture and the world that we’re living in. Stop expecting them to be your parents as they cannot possibly live up to that image. They are unique, so treating them as unique individuals and getting to know them will benefit both of you. Another thing to remember is communicating your needs, preferences, likes and dislikes and then working together as a unit to make each other happy. Nobody wants to be a mind-reader, so putting your partner into an impossible situation should be avoided. Not only is it frustrating, but it can eventually make your partner resent you for expecting them to do something that they don’t want to do or don’t have the energy to do. Communicate and actively listen. By keeping it real and actually hearing another, you can fix issues and make the relationship better. And finally, stop placing impossible expectations on yourself. Learn to let go of control and ask for help if you need to. That might prove to be a challenging task for some, but it will be worth it when you finally free yourself of the burden of having to do it all.